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Published 28.08.2014 | Author : admin | Category : What Do Guys Really Want In A Woman

MenuFearless doesnt mean you're completely unafriad and it doesnt mean you're bulletproof, it means you have alot of fears..
March 25, 2015 By admin I recently gave a talk to a group of awesome people at Mariner’s Church who were either recently divorced or in the middle of a divorce. The 1st Essential in ensuring lasting love post divorce is our ability to develop insight and awareness regarding some things about ourselves and our relational qualities (or lack thereof). Many people, naturally, move through divorce in emotional pain and a need to see their ex as the “bad guy”. Research confirms that our chances to remain married significantly decrease with our second and third marriages.
Generally speaking, people typically end marriages in two dominant emotional states: Guilt ridden or Resentful.
In our culture, divorce is still a dirty work with lots of negative stigma associated with it.
Getting a clear direction of what you’re looking for and what you’re trying to avoid will help you to develop a more clear and conscious picture in your mind of what it is you need in a relationship.
If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, don’t judge it, just understand it for what it is and what it’s providing you. Caution:  There are large amounts of oxytocin running through your brain and you’re not thinking clearly. Being single after a recent divorce can be a wonderful opportunity to learn, or relearn all of the tools and skills necessary for a successful relationship. For some, going through a divorce will turn out to be the biggest blessing as you find and settle into a relationship that you’ve always dreamed of.

I was asked to talk to the group about what’s involved in finding love again after a divorce and how people can successfully navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of new relationships post divorce. However, in nearly all divorces, with exceptions around abusive issues, we can attribute contributing factors to both parties for the ended relationship. Generally, the person who initiates the divorce (The Rejecter) tends to carry with them a heavy burden of guilty for “giving up”, or “walking away”.   This person’s journey toward growth is to shed this guilt, which is often implicitly casted upon us from cultural shame regarding divorce.
These are the one’s who got “left” in the marriage, and these people tend to carry with them an unhealthy level of hurt and distrust into their future relationships. Developing self-compassion is coming to the realization that staying married isn’t always better than divorce, despite our culture’s tendency to see divorce versus staying married in such dualistic, win versus lose scenarios. Many couples divorce not having these skills, and naturally move into future relationships with this skill deficit.  Without these basic skills, we will simply have no chance at having a successful marriage.
Having this new relationship is not beyond reach, but it takes intentionality and a conscious decision to grow relationally, psychologically, and interpersonally. In my experience as a therapist working with lots of people who have gone through a divorce, I’ve found there are “4 Essentials” that are necessary to finding lasting love post divorce, and if we work to ensure we have these “4 Essentials” integrated in our lives moving forward, our chances of getting everything we want in our next relationship is within our reach! To the degree that we can take an honest and objective appraisal of personalities, character, and relational qualities, will dictate our ability to be relationally successful in the future. This daunting statistic is the proof that most people do not diligently seek to develop awareness as described above. The Guilty Rejecter, may be more inclined to have loose boundaries in future relationships or “tolerate” more than they feel is right for them because of their sense of guilt. Because many Resentful Rejectee’s were caught off guard and felt abandoned when the relationship ended, they have a hard time trusting in future relationships.

To achieve the relationship of your dreams, we have to first know what it is exactly we’re  looking for. About the Rebound – I’m a bit of a contrarian when it comes to the rebound relationship and for many reasons, I think it can actually be a very valuable process, as long as we know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it.
And if you think you have these skills mastered, you can always ask your ex what he or she thinks of your skills set in this department. If you’re committed to growing and you find a mate with the same value to grow personally, you’ll have the makings of something special! Instead, many people falsely believe that if they find “the right person”, their relational outcomes will be different. The Guilty Rejecters need to be on the lookout for how their guilt may be influencing their future relationship.
The Resentful Rejectee’s are defensive about relationships and many adopt a posture of “I don’t need anyone”. As a couples therapist, I believe having a happy and successful marriage is difficult to achieve, but it’s doable. Developing compassion for ourselves is acknowledging, but not judging or condemning, which of these two emotional states most likely represents our current situation and working toward making small changes in the other direction. Increased awareness allows us to make better conscious decisions going forward and to avoid unconscious decisions from our history.

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